The Scarlet Letter D

Divorced people feel judged.

It doesn't matter whether you feel as if you are judging them, or not. They feel judged.

Perhaps they are. Perhaps they were abandoned by their Sunday School classes, their small groups, their friends and families when they went through their divorce. Maybe their perception of abandonment and judgment was born of the inherent loneliness that follows when your life partner is no longer a part of you.

For this reason, teaching the Biblical position on divorce has become more difficult. Everyone has been touched by this issue. They've either been divorced, or have a close friend or relative who has. Seeing the potential for hurt feelings and estranged friendships, many churches have dropped the issue altogether. Others embrace divorce, hoping to show love and acceptance to those who have endured this tragedy.

The problem with teaching God's position on divorce, the position God clearly spells out in the Bible, is that all too often we miss the fundamental premise of Christianity when we teach this doctrine. The fundamental premise of Christianity is redemption and restoration. This premise materialized in the Gospel, the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ for our sins according to the scriptures (1 Corinthians 15:3-4).

We believe that all have sinned and come short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23), and as a result, all are condemned to an eternity in Hell (Romans 6:23). However, Jesus Christ died that death on our behalf, settling God's need for justice, and He rose again conquering death and opening the doors of Heaven. We believe that we can be redeemed and restored, and welcomed into God's Kingdom as one of His children if we repent and believe that Jesus died for us on the cross (Romans 5:6-12, 1 John 2:1-2).

This is a concept that we celebrate. We celebrate the redemption in our lives. We celebrate that the Lord turned our lives around, and we are no longer lost in the darkness that once defined our lives.

We celebrate being redeemed from alcoholism, immorality, substance abuse and hopelessness. Not only that, but we celebrate when we see the Lord redeem and restore others as well. Some of the best-selling testimonials come from hardened-criminals-turned-redeemed-saints who are now spreading the good news of their salvation, and telling others how they too can be redeemed.

We love it when a man tells us about finding Christ in prison, how he went from living a ruined life to living a life that has purpose. We'll buy the book, we'll schedule special screenings of the movie, we'll invite the man to preach at our church. The story of redemption, restoration and reconciliation is an encouragement, and exciting to every believer.

Except, of course, when it comes to divorce. For some reason, unlike substance abuse, youthful sexual immorality, theft, incarceration and hedonism, divorce is treated like a permanent scar, that even after the salvation experience, one bears in their forehead. We may not intend to treat divorce like this, but we all too often preach God's plan for marriage, without including God's redemptive plan for when we fail to live up to His plan.

Divorce was never God's plan.

In Mark 10, The Pharisees asked Jesus if it was lawful for a man to divorce his wife. When Jesus asked what the Law of Moses said, they replied "Moses suffered to write a bill of divorcement, and to put her away." (Mark 10:4).

God's attitude toward marriage and divorce was then succinctly stated by Christ in Mark 10:5-9, which say:

And Jesus answered and said unto them, For the hardness of your heart he wrote you this precept. But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.  For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

Notice what Christ did. Instead of splitting hairs over legitimate and illegitimate divorce, Christ stated God's plan. The plan of marriage was for a man and a woman to be joined together in marriage, and to stay joined together for life. However, because of the hardness of men's hearts, a provision allowing for divorce was written into God's law. In other words, if God's plan for the married life was not being followed, there was a way out for the innocent spouse.

In Matthew 19, and Matthew 5, Jesus stated that a legitimate reason for divorce is fornication. Fornication is defined as sexual immorality, which includes adultery, sex before marriage, pornography, sexual abuse, and physical and emotional abuse meant to allow for physical domination. In these cases, the offended spouse not only suffers intense emotional pain, but is also in physical danger. So, the Lord allows an escape through divorce. Ephesians gives a provision for abandonment.

In these cases, God's plan is violated, and God's word provides a remedy, as it does in other areas where His plan is violated.

So, God's law allows for divorce for certain reasons, but His plan is still for lifelong unity. Still, as broken human beings, we often fail to live up to God's plan.

Later, in Mark 10:11-12, Jesus states that getting divorced just so you can hook up with someone else is the same as committing adultery. These verses do not teach that those who have been divorced and remarried are living in eternal adultery. They merely state that divorces for the intent of sexual liberation are adultery.

Now, given God's plan for marriage, and His allowance for divorce, we need to remember that we never live up to God's plan.

For the spouse who was victimized by the fornication mentioned in Matthew 5 and Matthew 19, we need to remember that there is healing in the Lord. For the spouse that committed the fornication in Matthew 5 and Matthew 19, we need to remember that there is redemption in the Lord. For the one who committed adultery in the sense Christ mentioned in Mark 10:11-12, we need to remember that there is forgiveness, redemption and restoration in the Lord.

Even "amicable" divorces are brutal, devastating, painful, and leave one emotionally scarred. We, as the church, need to be aware of this, and remember this. We need to show our friends, brothers and sisters who have been devastated by divorce that there is healing and forgiveness in the Lord.

And when we address the issue of God's design for marriage, and His stance on divorce, we need to hold firm to what the scriptures teach, while extending the Lord's grace to those who fall short.

Who knows? Next time we might be the ones receiving the scarlet letter.

Marriage Pictures Our Relationship to Christ

Ephesians 5:22-27  Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23  For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24  Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. 25  Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26  That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27  That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

Despite the fact that this is one of the most famous Bible passages regarding marriage, it is often the most disregarded. It gives clear instructions on how to have a successful marriage, and highlights the importance of a good marriage by pointing out the similarities between a husband-wife relationship and the relationship between Christ and the church. Yet, most American couples would rather flush this passage down the toilet than apply it to their lives. Why? Because following this passage requires selflessness and sacrifice, something no one wants to do. Is there any wonder that more than half of American marriages end in divorce, and many more non-marital relationships (read: living together without marriage) break up?

Since the scriptures begin with the wife, I'll begin with the wife... but ladies, hang in there, I'll get to the husband's responsibilities too. A good marriage is a two-way street.

Verses 22-23 tell wives to submit themselves to their husbands, as unto the Lord, reminding them that as Christ is head of the church, the husband is the head of the wife. Notice in verse 23, Paul adds that Christ is the savior of the body.

Most churches want to follow God's will. They want to follow the leadership of Christ, and they want to know what the will of Christ is.

The churches I have been a part of wanted to serve the Lord, wanted to submit to His leadership, longed for the Spirit to move and give direction... why? Because we love the Lord and want to be close to Him, to please Him, to see His will done, and to see Him victorious.

In the same way, wives should submit to their husbands. As a church sets aside its own vision to follow the Lord, so should a wife set aside her own dreams to follow her husband. I know this is not politically correct, but follow me here.

Just as a church is all about Jesus, a wife should be all about her husband. Her goal in life should be to honor her husband, to do his will, and to help him succeed. They say, behind every successful man is a good (and sometimes surprised) woman. Proverbs 31 says her husband sits in the city gates and is known by the elders of the land, all because of what she does for him. Read Proverbs 31. That woman did a lot. She wasn't just barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.

You never see a church sit around and complain about Christ, and you never hear a bunch of preachers at an association, fellowship or convention meeting sit around and list the ways Christ could be better. They may complain about each other, but not Christ.

In the same way, when wives berate their husbands in front of others, they are falling short of what God wants them to be. The same way a church loves and submits to the Lord, a wife should love and submit to her husband.

In verse 25, scripture turns the attention to the husband. The husband is to love his wife the same way Christ loved the church... and gave Himself for it.

How much did Christ love the church? Enough to die for it. He died for the church, He puts up with the faults of the church, is patient, caring, and guides the church. Not only that, but He is all about the church, and believers in general.

Jesus died on the cross to save sinners. He died on the cross so that sinners could be saved and grow closer to Him in a church. Since His death, burial and resurrection, Jesus has been all about the church. The church was the joy that was set before Him in Hebrews 12:2. He makes intercession for the church. He leads the church. He empowers the church. He blesses the church.

Sometimes churches drift away from Christ. They quit doing what He called them to do, or they drift away from Him doctrinally. Nevertheless, He stays with them, patiently guiding them back into His will.

In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives. A husband should love his wife enough to die for her... moreover, he should love her enough to live for her. The Bible says Christ gave Himself for the church. The same way, the husband should give himself for his wife... meaning that her needs come before his dreams.

The husband has the responsibility to sacrifice for the well being of his wife. He has the responsibility to come home after work and spend time with her instead of his buddies. (Oh, there's time for buddies, but not at the expense of his wife). He has the responsibility to place her and her needs above his.

Moreover, he has the responsibility to be patient with her. Women are emotional, at least the ones I have known are. Sometimes, they act out on those emotions. We are responsible as men to not become frustrated at those emotions, to continue to show our wives love and kindness despite the emotional state they are in.

We are also responsible to not go off the deep end every time we come home to a dirty house. We are responsible to allow our wives to have lives... I could go on.

I'm really having trouble expressing my view here... but basically, if wives submitted to their husbands unconditionally like the church submits to Christ, and men loved their wives unconditionally like Christ loved the church, and if both put themselves aside and loved each other like Christ and the church, then marriage would be a happy thing... not a dreaded thing that is the joke of sitcoms and break-rooms.

Wives, be all about your husbands. Let your hopes and dreams revolve around them, and help them to be the men God has called them to be. Husbands, love your wives. Put your desires aside and take care of her first. If we all do that, we can reduce stress, blood pressure, and the demand for marriage counselors and divorce lawyers... but more importantly, we will honor and glorify our Savior.